Joke Thread.

[chug_A_bug]

LETTER 1:

Dear God,
This is your friend Stephen. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Stephen.


Stephen knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 2:

Dear God,
I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.
Your friend,
Stephen.

Stephen knew he could not send this letter to God either. He was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church.

His mother thought her plan had worked because Stephen looked very sad.

"Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.

Stephen walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church,down the street, into his house, and up to his room.

He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.He began to write his letter to God.

LETTER 3:

I'VE GOT YOUR MUM.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE F*****ING BIKE.

[chug_A_bug]

One day Superman was feeling a bit horny. So, he began to ask his super
hero friends for ideas on where he could get a bit of action.

"Hey Batman! Who's good in the sack?"

"Well Superman, everyone knows that Wonder Woman is the best sex in
Comicbookland. Why don't you try her?" replied Batman.

"I'd love to, but Wonder Woman and I are friends. So I don't really
want to take advant age of her."

"Damn shame," said Batman as he waved goodbye to Superman and drove
off.

Ten minutes later Superman was flying low over a city when he saw the
Green Lantern patching up a building. He flew down.

"Hey Hal, I'm looking for a little action. You're a swinging bachelor,
who's the best babe in Comicbookland?"

"Hey, Superman! Everyone knows that Wonder Woman is far and away the
best lay in Comicbookland, why don't you try her?"

"Well, we're sort of friends," Superman said, "but I didn't realize she
had gotten around so much" and he flew off in frustration.

Twenty minutes later Superman was flying over a field when he saw
Wonder Woman lying naked, in the middle of the field, with her legs
apart and up in the air. Superman was tempted. He thought to hims elf,
"I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of there before
she even knows I'm here."

So with a blur and a sonic boom he was down, in and gone.

Wonder Woman stared up into the sky with a dazed expression. "What the
hell was that??" she exclaimed.

"I don't know," said the Invisible Man as he rolled off, "but my *** is
killing me."

[Yellow69]

^^ hehe

An oldie but goodie!
:agree:

[zeroaxe]

:agree:

[chug_A_bug]

Seniors Halloween:

An old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time
decided to
dress up and go out. The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped
naked and
tied a lemon between her legs. When she came out, the old man cried, "You
can't go out like that!"
She said, "I can go anyway I like and so can you."
Whereupon he retired to the bedroom and came out stark raving naked
with a potato tied to his tallywhacker.
The old woman says, you're going out like that?" and he replies,
"Yep, if you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a ****-tator.

[chug_A_bug]

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from
any woman.Many females use a date rape drug on the market called
"Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere.
It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer
is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade
their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs
only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply
ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After
several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with
horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of
their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.
If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women
administering it, there are male support groups where you can
discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly
victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up
Golf Courses" in the phone book.

[Yellow69]

This letter was sent to the principal's office after an
elementary school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old
lady had received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize, and was
writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all human kind.


Dear Faculty and Students,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent
senior citizens' luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at an assisted
home for the aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone
now and it's nice to know someone is thinking of me. God bless you
for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and
always had her own radio. Before I received this one, she would never

let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day, her
radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of little pieces
It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to
mine, and I said "eff" you.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,
Agnes

[chug_A_bug]

oh that's good

[chug_A_bug]

When women drink....

1. We Have Absolutely No Idea Where Our Purse Is.
2. We Believe That Dancing With Our Arms Overhead And Wiggling Our Butt
While Yelling "woo-hoo!" Is Truly The Sexiest Dance Move Around.
3. We've Suddenly Decided We Want To Kick Someone's *** And Honestly
Believe We Can Do It.
4. On Our Last Trip To Pee, We Realize We Now Look More Like A Homeless
Hooker Than The Goddess We Were Just Four Hours Ago.
5. We Drop Our 3 AM Sandwich On The Floor (Which We're Eating Even Though We're Not The Least Bit Hungry), Pick It Up And Carry On Eating It.

6. We Start Crying And Telling Everyone We See That We Love Them Sooooo
Much.
7. We Get Extremely Excited And Jump Up And Down Every Time A New Song
Plays Because "Oh My God! We Love That Song!"
8. We've Found A Deeper/Spiritual Side To The Geek Sitting Next To Us.
9. The Man We're Flirting With Used To Be Our 5th Grade Teacher.
10. The Urge To Take Off Articles Of Clothing, Stand On A Table And Sing
Or Dance Becomes Strangely Overwhelming.
11. Our Eyes Just Don't Seem To Want To Stay Open On Their Own So We KeepThem Half Closed And Think It Looks Exotically Sexy.

12. We've Suddenly Taken Up Smoking And Become Really Good At It.
13. We Yell At The Bartender, Who (We Think) Cheated Us By Giving Us Just
Lemonade, But That's Just Because We Can No Longer Taste The Gin.
14. We Think We're In Bed, Even Though The Pillow Feels Strangely Like
The Kitchen Floor.
15. We Start Every Conversation With A Booming, "Don't Take This The
Wrong Way But..."
16. We Fail To Notice That The Toilet Lid's Down When We Sit On It.
17. Our Hugs Begin To Resemble Wrestling Take-down Moves.
18. We're Tired So We Just Sit On The Floor (Wherever We Happen To Be)
And Take A Quick Nap.
19. We Begin Leaving The Buttons Open On Our Button Fly Pants To Cut Down
On The Time We're In The Bathroom Away From Our Drink.
20. We Take Our Shoes Off Because We Believe It's Their Fault That We're
Having Problems Walking Straight.

[chug_A_bug]

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of
first graders, using a bowl of lifesavers.

He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers,
one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor.

The children began to say:

"Red............cherry,"

"Yellow.........lemon,"

"Green...........lime,"

"Orange........orange."

Finally the professor gave them all honey lifesavers.
After eating them for a few moments none of the children could
identify the taste.

"Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue, It's what
your mother may
sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and
yelled: "Oh My
God!!!! They're assholes!!"

[zeroaxe]

Thought you might share this with your friends.

A "heads up" for those of you who may be regular Shell gas station customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out
purchasing gas

Simply going out to get a tank full has turned out to be quite traumatic.

Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you

Here's how the scam works:



Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car
as you are pumping gas.

They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with
their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is
impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead
ask you for a ride to another Shell station.

You agree and they get in the back seat.

On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them
climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while
the other one steals your wallet.


I had my wallet stolen September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,
17th, 20th, & 24th. Also October 1st, 3rd, twice on the 7th, three
times just yesterday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So please be careful

[BeetleWarrior]

INDIAN ON A HORSE

A pretty girl is driving through the west. Her car runs out of gas, and
an Indian comes along on a horse, gives her a ride to a gas station.
Every few minutes he lets out a wild whoop that would curdle milk.
Finally he drops her off with a final Yaaaaaaa Hooo and gallops off.
My god! says the gas station guy. "what the hell were you doing to that
injun to make him holler like that?"
"Why, nothing," says the girl, "i just sat behind him with my arms around
him, holding onto his saddle horn."
"Lady," says the guy, "Indians don't use saddles"!!

[Yellow69]

^^^ Hahahahahaha!!!

[chug_A_bug]

lol thats a good one
nice nice

Chris.

[BeetleWarrior]

THE WHALES

A male whale and his mate were swimming around in the ocean, when all of
a sudden, the male whale catches sight of a whaling vessel in the
distance.

He takes a closer look, and recognizes it as the ship that harpooned his
parents many years ago. So, he turns to his girlfriend and tells her that
he wants to avenge the death of his parents.

She hesitates, knowing that they could become the next victims of the
vessel, but he reassures her and tells her that he has been planning this
all of his life, and he swims over and whispers the plan to her.

So, she agrees and they swim up under one side of the boat, and they both
start blowing air through their blow holes. The boat starts to rock
back-and-forth, and the sailors on the ship are scrambling all over the
deck.

Finally the boat tips over, and the sailors are scattered through the
ocean. The male whale is delighted and starts to gobble up the sailors,
but the female whale starts to swim away.....

So the male whale swims over to her, and asks her what is wrong. She
huffs and puffs and says, "I agreed to the blow job, but there is no
way I'm going to swallow seamen."