Joke Thread.

[zeroaxe]

^^^

[ccain529]

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."



And Monty Python fans will rember this::agree:

Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ARGGGGGGG!!!

[chug_A_bug]

Scientists in Italy have discovered that a large number of the male population there have a penis that is no larger in size than 3" or less. To clarify this the Canadian Government has asked that those with this condition identify themselves by displaying a red, white and green flag when driving their cars during the month July.

[chug_A_bug]

0 to 200 in 4 seconds
The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks.



He wanted a new truck.She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price
range.



"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."



For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom
scale.

[chug_A_bug]

Health plan


A wealthy hospital benefactor was visiting the local
hospital. During her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male
patient was masturbating.
>>>"Oh my GOD!" said the woman. "That's disgraceful. Why is he doing that?"
>>>"The doctor that was leading the tour explained, "I am sorry, but this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they'll explode and he will die within minutes." "Oh, that's terrible," said the woman.
>>>In the very next room they could see that a female nurse was performing
oral sex on a different male patient. OH my GOD!" said the woman, "How can that be justified?"

>>>The doctor replied, "Same illness, better health plan."

[chug_A_bug]

WHAT DOES A KISS TASTE LIKE?

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students.
She picked a little boy to do the first test.
She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked,
Do you know what it is?"
"No, I don't," said the little boy.
"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your Daddy wants from your
Mommy before he goes to work."

Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a
piece of ***."

[BeetleWarrior]

"SHOP CLASS"

"What's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt ?" the shop
teacher asked Judi, the only girl in the shop class during the first day
of school.

Judi pondered the question for a moment, then replied, "Well, I can't
rightly say as I know, 'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'."